Finding something worthwhile in myself

It’s been pointed out to me, by my good friend in Hyde Park, that I’m sometimes awfully hard on myself. I truly am my own worst critic. And until he had pointed it out, I didn’t quite realize how often I put myself down or said something negative.

I’m working on this. And I’m sincerely a happier and nicer person than I was even a few months ago.

But now that I’ve moved home, I’m finding that I DO have an awful lot of extra time on my hands. I haven’t start my job yet, all my friends work during the day, and I’m left to myself. So I’m trying to find something that I’m good at…something to do to occupy my time. And I think I’ve finally come up with enough stuff to keep me busy throughout the day (aside from baking–which gets to be a major pain in the ass due to not having a dishwasher… I’ve started fixing up the rental house. Even if it’s not going to be mine permenantly, I can at least increase my happiness in where I live by making it nicer. And cleaner. And more organized).

No matter how many hours I devote to cleaning. To painting. To baking. To doing the routine chores everyday (do the dishes. do the laundry. vacuum. take out the trash. pick up after myself). I still find myself idle at night. With a lot of time to just sit and think about the situation.

How on earth can I express this opportunity in a positive way? It’s really hard. But I am ridiculously grateful to be on my own. Everything in this house is mine. Everything is decorated for me. And at the grocery store? I can buy what I want. I realized the other day that I haven’t had alfredo or vodka sauce in nearly 10 years. Not at home at least. Maybe when I go out to eat….

It’s because I put so much effort into making him happy. Getting his opinion. Giving up certain things because that’s what you do in a marriage.  I just can’t help but feel like I gave up a piece of myself in that. Was it as obvious to everyone else that I was miserable in my marriage? And just uncertain in life?

Was it obvious to everyone else that he wasn’t my forever? That we weren’t in love?

Was it as obvious to everyone else that my heart is just aching for someone else and I’m forcing myself to get over it?

Being an adult is trying at times. Being alone as an adult is harder for me. I was describing to the same friend mentioned above that what I miss is caring for someone. Someone who means something to me. I miss meaning something to someone as well. The late night hugs that seem endless. Someone you don’t want to pull away from. I miss forehead kisses. Someone smelling my hair. Someone touching my skin. My neck. My cheek. I miss the caring feeling that comes with being attached.

I know. Be alone. Concentrate on you. Concentrate on just appreciating and focusing on you.

But I think I’m made to be with someone. To care. To have a family.

Geezus christ, is it too late to start getting serious about someone? Is it even possible for someone to overlook my past (the cheating, the abortion, the uncertainty) and just forgive me? And let me start over and show them that I’m someone worthwhile again?

 

I guess it’ll happen when it happens. Trying to embrace these moments of melancholy.

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~ by shespeakstruth on November 13, 2013.