When Does It Get Better?

I’ve been told it will get better. I’ll start to understand. I’ll start to find answers. I’ll start to know what I want.But when does all this happen? When am I finally going to just be 100% free of this cloud?

Some nights are just horrible. And tonight is one of them. In tears. On the couch. Asking him to just go away. To just leave me alone and let me be by myself.
And him angry because he’s been so blind.

I’m irritated over so many things. Big and small. From how he can’t handle finances, how he can’t leave the house and be in a public space, about how he can’t travel or go to the movies, visiting friends, going shopping, not worrying 24/7. Then how he’s always sick. Refuses to see a doctor. Complains and bitches about all docs regardless of what they say. Bitches about work. Bitches about friends. Talks down about his family. Talks down about the news. About what people are like. Just a big ball of negativity that is constantly following me around.

I can’t get him to touch me and listen to what I want. I can’t get him to kiss me and not pull away within a second. Can’t get him to hold my hand, to linger at a touch, to be rough in bed, to take a shower with me. It’s never there.

And I feel like such a failure as a wife. As a woman. As a friend.

That I am so unhappy with all this. And just want an out. Want something easier and happier in life. Want to concentrate on me and my future….

What the hell is happy?

How can you find it?

When you’re in tears. Alone. Thinking about how to separate his from hers. This from that. Where to go. Who to talk to. Trying to figure out who actually cares about me for me…

I’m so overwhelmed. And just…want a friend who is separated from the drama of it who cares. A family member who just understands this….

Tonight is a lonely night. When does it get better?

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~ by shespeakstruth on February 24, 2013.