On Confidence: Lipstick

•February 19, 2013 • Comments Off on On Confidence: Lipstick

I want to wear red lipstick to seduce him.Black lace panties that he would peel off with his teeth.
A pushup bra with enough curves to make him moan.

I want to wear a little black dress that takes his breath away.
Give him a smirk and a smile as he pulls me close.
Soft kisses on his cheek.

I want to pull him close, and press my body up against his.
Trace his hands down my hips.
And let him linger on my lips.

I want to leave red lipstick marks on his neck.
On his chest.
Around his dick.

I want him to be breathless.
In pleasure.
In bed.

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A quick check at the state of things

•February 18, 2013 • Comments Off on A quick check at the state of things
  • Paragard IUD: Hate it. Would never talk anyone into an IUD. And am physically healed from this ordeal.
  • Pregnancy: Want it. Someday. With the right person. And I need to learn to not let those pregnancy hormones make me go psycho. I’m scary pregnant…
  • Clonazepam: Helpful in making my thoughts die down at night. But dangerous in that it is also slowing my breathing. Glad I only take it for another week.
  • Internet Guy: History. Again. He flows in and out of my life like a bad rollercoaster. My heart is not tugging on anything with him.
  • Exercise: Working on it. Was planning on going to the gym today, but decided against it. My legs are on fire and I hate all things that deal with stairs right now.
  • Lipstick: Love. In love with it. And I am DYING to find a boyfriend who will try a  few things (post on this later).
  • Work: I enjoy my work. I’m fulfilled by it right now. But I desperately want to be in Cheyenne. Applying to another job tonight.
  • Moving: Nervous. I won’t lie that a big part of this is because I worry about being near IT Guy.
  • IT Guy: He’s sort of like kryptonite. Definitely like him. Definitely think he’s hot. Admire his family life. His ability to get his hands dirty. His motorcycle. And his apartment.
  • How I feel when I think about IT Guy: DAMNIT.
  • Marriage: Ugh.
  • Happiness: I am honestly happy right now. How in the world is that possible?
  • The “Talk” with my Husband: Will happen this week. He has to know that I care about someone else. And that it’s not going away.
  • The sex: Non-existent. Though my rebound is completely willing. And eager. It could be fun. But damnit… it’s not who I want it to be.
  • My parents: Supportive. And the words, “You didn’t sign up for this” and “We don’t condone cheating, but we can see why you like him…” are helpful.
  • Therapy: Weekly. Helpful. I love my therapist. And I love how she is making me realize I CAN feel good. That I DO feel good. My god.. AM I NORMAL?
  • Confidence: More on this in a separate post. But I used to be super confident in myself. Then I lost it. Now… I’ve regained it. I’m buying a VS swimsuit to celebrate.

In the Next Breath

•February 17, 2013 • Comments Off on In the Next Breath

All I really want to do is have sex. And if IT Guy told me he wanted me? Yeah. Let’s just say that would be a really hard thing to say no to.

Why does sex have to come with so much baggage?!

No sex since October. And I can’t get my husband to even touch me. I can’t get him to take a shower with me. I can’t get him to be rough. I can’t get him to kiss me… my lips, my neck, my chest…

I want to be wanted again. And I want to fall in love with someone.

I want the house. The baby. The everyday monotony of life. The cooking and baking. The laundry. The hand-holding. The kisses. The morning sex. The bad breath. The fights and makeups. The family visits and holidays….

I want to be normal… and I want to find someone that wants this just as much as I do….

Finding the Good in Me

•February 17, 2013 • Comments Off on Finding the Good in Me

I am my own worst critic. I work my ass off in everything I do…. I try to do my best…. but I’m typically not satisfied. Whether it’s work, housework, being with friends, participating in a hobby.

I can always find a flaw.

And it was pointed out to me, by my therapist, that I am often too hard on myself. That just in the two months she’s been seeing me? She’s felt like I’ve done some pretty amazing things. Things that she’s proud of me for. Things that I should be proud of myself for. Because the whole goal of this therapy was to find myself again. Find out who I am. What I love. What makes me happy. And then get down to what was really bugging me (once the hormones went away). And while my marriage is still one of those unresolved and lingering problems, as is my inability to just…. get a clue about IT Guy (I cannot control head and heart here folks. It’s driving me nuts. And isnt like me to fawn over someone like this)…. I have been able to do a lot.

My therapist turned to me, after I put myself down in the same breath I took to say I had just gotten a promotion. And she said…. “Hey… do you even realize that in the past two months, you’ve:

  • Admitted to needing help
  • Come to therapy consistently for 8 weeks
  • Gotten a promotion at work
  • Put together a portfolio
  • Started looking and applying for jobs in Colorado and Wyoming
  • Understood that IT Guy doesn’t want me in the way that would solve a few things
  • Booked a vacation just for me — to Vermont
  • Signed up for a 7k with a friend in Milwaukee
  • Started going back to the gym so I can get in shape
  • Scheduled a boudoir photoshoot with a friend in Wyoming
  • Re-joined Weight Watchers so I had some consistency in my diet
  • Applied to Weight Watchers, and was offered a job that will become….my life essentially
  • Seen a psychiatrist to work through medication needs
  • Seen multiple docs to address a sleep disorder
  • Had Friday-Night at-home therapy sessions with my husband to talk things through
  • Maintained relationships with my girl friends
  • Cleaned the apartment and purged items that have been causing me stress (excess junk)
  • Changed how I get to work so I can have more time in the evenings for myself
  • Started caring about myself. And my happiness. Which was the most important part of it all.

And this is the moment when I would start trying to take back some of that stuff. Trying to put myself down…. saying that I can’t have the one guy I have finally realized I like. Alot. I have flaws with my body that make me self conscious and wonder if anyone will ever want me. That I am high maintenance and cant work a relationship to save my life… but all these? Are soooo overpowered with the good.

And I want more of that good. To feel sunshine everyday. To feel happy. I want to pick up the phone and call people, smile into the receiver, and just…make other people feel as good.

It’s amazing to go through all this… to have gotten pregnant, had an abortion, gotten postpartum depression, and to work through it…. I’m not ruled by this. And while I scared off some friends… I really hope the ones that stuck around love me for what I’m doing. And how I’m getting better each day.

The sadness in the back of my head is getting smaller. And more manageable. I feel good about that. 🙂

He Knows

•February 15, 2013 • Comments Off on He Knows

You know what is entirely awkward? Coming clean about a few things. To your husband. Regarding your heart.

My husband and I are in a sticky situation. And I’m all about being honest about it. I have zero to hide at this point. My husband and I still live together. We sleep in separate beds, unless we want to be with one another that night. We haven’t had sex since October. We are still very much friends, but we have a hard time being more than that. We go out to eat once a week (this week we did it on V-Day since neither of us had plans), to talk about our therapy and to talk about us. Sometimes we cry about it. Sometimes we don’t. We fight a lot. We love each other. But we’re both realistic about this part of our lives. And we’re not sure about it. About being together. About continuing together. About wanting to make the full-fledged effort. Etc. We’re both in therapy. And we both have our own problems.

I will say I’m more skeptical than he is about our relationship. But that’s because I know more than him. I know what has happened between me and Internet Guy. I know I haven’t talked to him in …ages now. Since I told him I didn’t love him and didn’t think getting together was a wise decision. I’m ok with all this. But I know that what we HAD back in 2007? Was something.

And I know about my feelings now. About how angry I am that I can’t get IT Guy out of my fucking head. I know how it feels to actually care about someone, think it will go away and that it’s a phase, and then realize YOU CAN’T FUCKING SHAKE IT. I haven’t talked to IT Guy, seriously talked, in over a month. At first I avoided him so that I could give him the space he needed. Then I just figured if he wanted to talk, he’d contact me. And then he never contacted me. So.. I let it go. I texted him out of the blue a few days ago to mention that I met someone with his name… and pretty much? That’s our entire relationship right there. We aren’t even friends anymore. It’s more apparent than anything that he wants me out of his life. So I’m trying to respect it. At least I’m not batshit crazy and I’m a normal female now. I’m not going to beg, or go after him. I’ll just let it go. And sigh a few times about it 😉

But now the husband knows something that I know too. While I was watching TV recently… I commented on a guy that was rather good looking. And he just happened to have a nipple ring. And how I thought it was hot. And then husband commented, out of the blue, “Doesn’t IT Guy have one? I thought you said those things were awful?”

And I just looked at him. Completely forgetting I had ever mentioned anything to him about IT Guy’s body (I tried to keep feelings hidden from husband for years. I commented on this once to him and then found myself backtracking. He asked SO many questions about HOW DO YOU KNOW HE HAS ONE. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF IT. OH? YOU DON’T LIKE IT? OK THEN. And only then he stopped getting all shouty about it.). And then husband’s eyes got wide when he realized that I thought it was hot. And I thought IT Guy was hot. He looked at me. And he knew. He asked if I was attracted to IT Guy. And, let’s just say we’ve come to a new understanding.

It’s hard to care for someone when you care for someone else. And it’s even harder when that person doesn’t reciprocate the care. But in all this? I know that I am looking for something better than what I have now. That’s the ultimate big realization. I CAN care about someone else. And in marriage, shouldn’t you have eyes only for one person? And not be tempted?

Closing My Eyes

•February 15, 2013 • Comments Off on Closing My Eyes

Imagine being tired. Your eyes are burning. Your body is exhausted. You just want to lay down and sleep.

But when you get to your bed, slip into the cool covers, and close your eyes, you just…. lay there. Your thoughts still racing. Your mind still alert. But your body absolutely, ridiculously, and positively drained.

Now imagine doing this for three weeks straight.

It’s awful…. but not completely my situation. I am able to get deep sleep for 2-3 hours each night. And then I wake up. Fully alert. And I can’t get back to sleep. It’s like my body assumed those 2 hours were a nap. That happens… 5 days of the week. The other two days? I don’t sleep. At all. I just lay there. And then when my alarm goes off, I get up, shower and go about my day. Exhausted.

I’ve been to my primary care physician (PCP), just in case it was something medically related to my body, my health, etc. She said it wasn’t.
I’ve been to my OB-GYN, just in case it was something related to the birth control, the DNC, the abortion, or the pregnancy. She said it wasn’t.
I’ve talked to my stepdad, who is a family practice physician, to see his thoughts on it.
I’ve been to my therapist, just in case it was something mental.
I’ve been to my psychiatrist, just in case it was something mental that needed medication.

Every single one of them says the exact same thing. It’s anxiety from my depressive disorder. It’s mental.

Fuck.

I do have a few options to fix it though. And I’m determined to try these before I let myself fall prey to the mental meds.

  1. I can try Clonazepam, which is much like Ambien in it’s ability to lull people to sleep. But it really does treat a number of things, including depression and anxiety. I try this for 2 weeks (or until the pills run out…which in my case is one week due to the dosage). I rejuvenate with the pills. And after they’re over, I try sleeping normally. Hoping that they somehow reset my system. If that doesn’t work…
  2. I take melatonin, which is a hormone over-the-counter pill that is naturally recurring in our bodies… and helps promote sleep. I try this for a week or two. If I don’t cycle into a normal sleep pattern…then…
  3. I up my exercise and work outs. Exercise causes endorphins to build up in the body…. it releases stress… it creates an exhausted body… and it should help promote sleep. If that doesn’t work….
  4. Then I take Prozac, to treat me for depression and anxiety. Fuck.

I’m also working on cleaning up my “sleep hygiene” (I hate that term with a fiery passion of a thousand burning suns). No reading before bed. No computer or TV. No engaging conversations. No working out less than three hours before bed. No going to bed on a full stomach. Getting up if I lay there for more than 30 minutes. Sleeping alone (not a problem right now!). And trying to make sure the room is dark, noise-free, and on the colder side.

Talk about high maintenance. Geezus. Effing. Eff.

Last Night

•February 9, 2013 • Comments Off on Last Night

We were in his apartment. He leaned over for a kiss…. then took off his shirt. And then he took off mine. Etc. etc.

I didn’t feel right. I asked him to put on a condom, but when he didn’t get one, I lost it. I shut down. Cried. It wasn’t a great sight.

Thank god he’s a friend. Thank god he understood. Even then, I guess I’m not ready to jump back into this. Especially with someone I don’t care about. It’s not me. And I’m realizing I haven’t changed. Sex is still something reserved for people I care about.