Finding the Good in Me

I am my own worst critic. I work my ass off in everything I do…. I try to do my best…. but I’m typically not satisfied. Whether it’s work, housework, being with friends, participating in a hobby.

I can always find a flaw.

And it was pointed out to me, by my therapist, that I am often too hard on myself. That just in the two months she’s been seeing me? She’s felt like I’ve done some pretty amazing things. Things that she’s proud of me for. Things that I should be proud of myself for. Because the whole goal of this therapy was to find myself again. Find out who I am. What I love. What makes me happy. And then get down to what was really bugging me (once the hormones went away). And while my marriage is still one of those unresolved and lingering problems, as is my inability to just…. get a clue about IT Guy (I cannot control head and heart here folks. It’s driving me nuts. And isnt like me to fawn over someone like this)…. I have been able to do a lot.

My therapist turned to me, after I put myself down in the same breath I took to say I had just gotten a promotion. And she said…. “Hey… do you even realize that in the past two months, you’ve:

  • Admitted to needing help
  • Come to therapy consistently for 8 weeks
  • Gotten a promotion at work
  • Put together a portfolio
  • Started looking and applying for jobs in Colorado and Wyoming
  • Understood that IT Guy doesn’t want me in the way that would solve a few things
  • Booked a vacation just for me — to Vermont
  • Signed up for a 7k with a friend in Milwaukee
  • Started going back to the gym so I can get in shape
  • Scheduled a boudoir photoshoot with a friend in Wyoming
  • Re-joined Weight Watchers so I had some consistency in my diet
  • Applied to Weight Watchers, and was offered a job that will become….my life essentially
  • Seen a psychiatrist to work through medication needs
  • Seen multiple docs to address a sleep disorder
  • Had Friday-Night at-home therapy sessions with my husband to talk things through
  • Maintained relationships with my girl friends
  • Cleaned the apartment and purged items that have been causing me stress (excess junk)
  • Changed how I get to work so I can have more time in the evenings for myself
  • Started caring about myself. And my happiness. Which was the most important part of it all.

And this is the moment when I would start trying to take back some of that stuff. Trying to put myself down…. saying that I can’t have the one guy I have finally realized I like. Alot. I have flaws with my body that make me self conscious and wonder if anyone will ever want me. That I am high maintenance and cant work a relationship to save my life… but all these? Are soooo overpowered with the good.

And I want more of that good. To feel sunshine everyday. To feel happy. I want to pick up the phone and call people, smile into the receiver, and just…make other people feel as good.

It’s amazing to go through all this… to have gotten pregnant, had an abortion, gotten postpartum depression, and to work through it…. I’m not ruled by this. And while I scared off some friends… I really hope the ones that stuck around love me for what I’m doing. And how I’m getting better each day.

The sadness in the back of my head is getting smaller. And more manageable. I feel good about that. 🙂

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~ by shespeakstruth on February 17, 2013.