He Knows

You know what is entirely awkward? Coming clean about a few things. To your husband. Regarding your heart.

My husband and I are in a sticky situation. And I’m all about being honest about it. I have zero to hide at this point. My husband and I still live together. We sleep in separate beds, unless we want to be with one another that night. We haven’t had sex since October. We are still very much friends, but we have a hard time being more than that. We go out to eat once a week (this week we did it on V-Day since neither of us had plans), to talk about our therapy and to talk about us. Sometimes we cry about it. Sometimes we don’t. We fight a lot. We love each other. But we’re both realistic about this part of our lives. And we’re not sure about it. About being together. About continuing together. About wanting to make the full-fledged effort. Etc. We’re both in therapy. And we both have our own problems.

I will say I’m more skeptical than he is about our relationship. But that’s because I know more than him. I know what has happened between me and Internet Guy. I know I haven’t talked to him in …ages now. Since I told him I didn’t love him and didn’t think getting together was a wise decision. I’m ok with all this. But I know that what we HAD back in 2007? Was something.

And I know about my feelings now. About how angry I am that I can’t get IT Guy out of my fucking head. I know how it feels to actually care about someone, think it will go away and that it’s a phase, and then realize YOU CAN’T FUCKING SHAKE IT. I haven’t talked to IT Guy, seriously talked, in over a month. At first I avoided him so that I could give him the space he needed. Then I just figured if he wanted to talk, he’d contact me. And then he never contacted me. So.. I let it go. I texted him out of the blue a few days ago to mention that I met someone with his name… and pretty much? That’s our entire relationship right there. We aren’t even friends anymore. It’s more apparent than anything that he wants me out of his life. So I’m trying to respect it. At least I’m not batshit crazy and I’m a normal female now. I’m not going to beg, or go after him. I’ll just let it go. And sigh a few times about it 😉

But now the husband knows something that I know too. While I was watching TV recently… I commented on a guy that was rather good looking. And he just happened to have a nipple ring. And how I thought it was hot. And then husband commented, out of the blue, “Doesn’t IT Guy have one? I thought you said those things were awful?”

And I just looked at him. Completely forgetting I had ever mentioned anything to him about IT Guy’s body (I tried to keep feelings hidden from husband for years. I commented on this once to him and then found myself backtracking. He asked SO many questions about HOW DO YOU KNOW HE HAS ONE. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF IT. OH? YOU DON’T LIKE IT? OK THEN. And only then he stopped getting all shouty about it.). And then husband’s eyes got wide when he realized that I thought it was hot. And I thought IT Guy was hot. He looked at me. And he knew. He asked if I was attracted to IT Guy. And, let’s just say we’ve come to a new understanding.

It’s hard to care for someone when you care for someone else. And it’s even harder when that person doesn’t reciprocate the care. But in all this? I know that I am looking for something better than what I have now. That’s the ultimate big realization. I CAN care about someone else. And in marriage, shouldn’t you have eyes only for one person? And not be tempted?

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~ by shespeakstruth on February 15, 2013.