I lost it last night

And I know I hurt his feelings.

I felt bad the moment the words left my mouth. But geezus christ, how much hand holding do I need to do? I already do all the finances. I already pay the bills. I tell him when to check his credit report. And already mentioned last year about refilling out his W9. I’ve already been telling him to start setting up a 401k. Have been for years. And he hasn’t yet. If things break between us for good? I worry about him being left with a craptastic future with no 401k. Nothing set up. No savings. This isn’t something I can set up for him. Which is why I have a decently cushy one. And he’s got nothing.

Well. As I started to do our taxes (because… I’m the one that does them. Again), I noticed his withholding. What. The. Fuck. He wasn’t even withholding 10%. And because of it? God…we owe.

We owe so much money in taxes. So the bonus he got for Christmas? The bonus I just got for a raise? All gone. We have to give it all to Uncle Sam.

And I lost it. Why does everything have to be so fucking hard? Why does he think that he can just “not understand” the crap he’s filling out, and just hope that it all figures itself out in the end? Why can’t he just CARE enough to know that this stuff affects us both?

Instead of feeling great about getting a decent raise and a promotion, I’m feeling heavy. Because of how much we just got hit. And it could have been prevented.

I’m angry. Because it’s not what I would have done. And angry because I feel like I’m getting us out of this. I’m TIRED. Just…angry. So I cleaned last night. Decluttered. While he sat and ignored me, just playing video games until nearly 2 a.m. And then listened as he went to a separate bed. And we just…got on with our living together/living separately thing that we’ve got going on.

At times…this whole process kills me inside. And I just don’t know how long I can keep doing this. I feel selfish for caring and being so affected. But isn’t that the point right now?

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~ by shespeakstruth on January 27, 2013.