He asked if I still loved him

The Internet Guy asked if I loved him still today. I’ve got nothing to hide from him. God. We haven’t seen each other in 6 years and he’s still got this love tucked away somewhere for me? I told him I didn’t. And it’s truth. I don’t. I was there once. And that’s how bad it hurt. To forgive, but never to forget. And it’s over. I won’t be seeing him anymore… at one point I thought it was possible. But it’s not. It’s not good for him. I love that we have a history. I love that he knows me so well and that I grew up with him. But I’m not in love with him. Thankfully. And he hasn’t talked to me since I said this. It’s probably for the best…

Husband has asked multiple times over the past few weeks if I still love him too. And I respond honestly. I do. I love him very much. But he doesn’t ask if I am IN love with him. And I’m not. And each time I drag out the inevitable (this situation has happened a few too many times in our 9 year history…), it makes it harder to end it. It’s like I’m just hurting myself more. I need to stop this. Otherwise I’m going to end up with a much different life than the one I want. At some point, I’m going to have to sit down and explain to him about all this. About what inside of me changed. But I don’t have the heart to do this just yet.

I miss the solid feeling of being wanted still. Of being touched. Of being read to. Snuggled with. Having the door held open for me. Someone reaching out to brush my hand. Kiss my cheek. Smile at me. None of that is there anymore. And I deserve it. I’ll learn to get over it.

But just in case I cave? I have someone set aside… sort of strung along by hope. He’s a good kid. Has lusted after me for practically forever. Wouldn’t break my heart because he wouldn’t know how to. And I am sure to not ever be attached. He’s just there to fill a void and I was upfront about it to him. He’s ok with it. While I’d prefer it to be someone else… I’ll take what I can get until this ol’ heart of mine heals. And I figure out what I want.

A lot has changed since October. Since the Paragard IUD failed. Since I got pregnant. Since I decided to get rid of the baby.

And really, all I want is to be wanted. I don’t think that’s ever really changed.

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~ by shespeakstruth on January 21, 2013.