The Internet Guy

I’m sorry I haven’t mentioned him before… just a brief line in one of my last posts.  The Internet Guy. (I’ve gotten a few comments about this guy and what he means to me… about our past and how he fits into this puzzle. So I’ll explain…)

I met The Internet Guy, obviously, on the internet. I met him on The Realm, (an MMORPG) when I was 13. He was 16. I have screen shots from back in that time… emails… letters. It’s ridiculous. After our interests in The Realm died, we both switched to World of Warcraft. He was the guy that I cared about before I cared about all others. We would spend HOURS talking on the phone at night. He knows me better than I know myself. He knows about my family. My schooling. My random quirks. My downfalls. When I cried? He was the first I called. There wasn’t texting at that time. We talked.

There were periods of months….sometimes years… where we wouldn’t talk. But then one of us would inevitably reach out to the other and we’d sort of just….pick it back up. I met him for the first time in 2007. I flew down to Florida to meet him. I had brought a friend with, in the event he really wasn’t the person who he said he was. But..no worries there. He was amazing.

We had a full week together. Three of those days were just for ourselves. My friend left early to give us time alone. We were perfect together. We spent 8 hours in bed one day (no sex. Think talking. Genuine affection…). Time slipped away from us. We didn’t quite realize how wrapped up we would get with one another.

I was serious about him. And I was willing to make this happen. I was dating Husband at the time, but I was willing to end it. Even then…

But Internet Guy wasn’t serious at the time. He wanted to be selfish. I was more than a thousand miles away. I was in Wyoming. Working. He didn’t want me to move for him. To change my life for him. I’m not sure if he just didn’t believe me… or didn’t understand how serious I was. But we went our own separate ways a month after I left him.

We’ve talked on and off in the years since I’ve visited. It always comes up how amazing we were together. How we got along. How we both genuinely cared for one another. Even 6 years later, it’s a good memory. We were in love.

But it’s different now. I’m hardened in a way. I don’t trust him. Sure I care–he knows me better than my best friend knows me. I can’t take away all the memories I gave him during those nights on the phone. Playing games online until 4 or 5 in the morning.

He knows my phone number by heart. He knows all three of my email addresses. He can hunt out me on the internet. And he doesn’t sell me out to my Husband. He’s not that type.

He’s come back in the last few months when I reached out to him. I had lost the IT Guy (he knows about him to some extent. I talked of IT Guy long before things became physical…and then broken… between us). I told him that I was having a really hard time. That I was pregnant and seeking an abortion. That I was unhappy and finally just wanted out. That I wanted to live for me. Without Husband.

He was supportive. But smart about it. Asked if I was sure. Told me I needed to just be alone for a while. To not jump into something. And he’s been in contact with me for months since. But I think he’s in a place that I’m not.

He wants me to visit again. I won’t.

He wants to talk to me again. I won’t.

He’s texting and emailing. I hesitate in my responses.

It is all too easy to get swept up in him again. But my heart seriously broke before. And it still stings. He’s not serious again this time. I can tell. So could we do just sex? I could. But I’m not sure if he could.

I’m sure this is exactly what the IT Guy feels. Cutting things off because of me. Where he feels nothing (caring, yes,…but nothing more). But where the other person obv. is more entangled. The Internet Guy just… would make things more complicated. I’ve been there with him. I’m not interested in going back. My heart can’t take that again from him.

If this were anyone else…I’d give it a shot. People are different. And people make situations different. Not everything ends the same way. I’m not steeling my heart against similar situations. It won’t work between me and Internet Guy. But I’m grateful for his friendship. And grateful he’s been in my life 14 years and counting….

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~ by shespeakstruth on January 19, 2013.