Why I Love Fridays: On Love, Letting Go, and Finding Myself

  1. It’s Friday. The last day of work for the week.
  2. I get to see my therapist first thing.
  3. When I leave the therapist, I feel lighter and more clear-headed.
  4. Tonight, the husband and I go to a restaurant to talk about our problems.
  5. I don’t have to cook.
  6. I don’t have to feel like there’s a tension in my house after our talk.
  7. The Universe sent me the files I needed to apply to my dream job.

I love Fridays.

The therapist gave me an extra dose of reality today and I feel really good. We talked about love and sex. Pretty much past relationships. Which centered on Husband, the IT Guy, and the Internet Guy today–these three specifically picked because they were the three that came up during the last few months when I lost control of myself. I’m sorting through trying to figure out if Husband and I can ever get back to the point we were once at; finally understanding IT Guy’s feelings and accepting 100% that there’s nothing there on his end, which means it’s ok to let go; being comfortable with the Internet Guy being back in my life but knowing that nothing will, or should, come of that unless I can separate the “just sex” relationship from “actual caring.”

It’s sort of weird to talk to your therapist about sex… but she agrees it’s a healthy desire, that if Husband and I are separating and have agreed to certain things, that there’s no reason why I can’t do this. But it’s important to know why, control emotions, and not be doing this in a reckless, dangerous way. She suggested trying it once…and then evaluating where I’m at. If it’s too intense, then stop. But lots of caution was mentioned… as I’ve been through a lot lately and don’t need to add another thing on my plate that could throw me into a downward spiral.

But with Husband? It’s a slippery slope. He might take this as me caring again, growing attached, and me not being able to separate myself from him anymore. This is the relationship I need to spend time on. To question. To wonder about. And sex can sometimes ruin this. So I might have to hold off on this…with him. I do worry about having sex with other people, and having it come between me and my decision about Husband. I just have to figure it out one step at a time.

I feel like a lot of worry is lifted off my shoulders. It was a huge worry to me… to constantly be concerned about finding someone who could love me after a divorce or separation. To find someone who wouldn’t care about my constant worries. About my body. About my quirks and bad jokes. About my gray hairs, desire to start running and ridiculous need to bake. I feel like I judge myself the same way as others—but that’s not true. I judge myself a lot harder. YES. Someone is going to love me. I’m getting that confidence back. I AM pretty. I DO have a nice body. I AM fun to be around, have a great personality…and damnit, I’m fairly intelligent. And I really, really missed smiling. And feeling like this.

Who the hell knew? I’m lighter. Even if the guys I want don’t want me back… I can be happy by myself. I GET that now. I’m looking forward to it.

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~ by shespeakstruth on January 18, 2013.