Putting me at the forefront

I have never felt more selfish in my life than in the past week.

I’m working on putting me first. At the forefront of my thoughts. Worrying about what I want, what makes me happy, and what is the best for me. It’s completely and utterly selfish. I am used to caring about other people…. A friend bought a new car? Talk to her about it. Care about it. See how happy it’s making her and share that with her. A friend has been super busy and not talkative lately? Check in. Make sure he’s fine. That things aren’t overwhelming for him. A friend has a rough day. Call her. Sympathize. Buy her coffee and snacks.

Yes. I still do all this. But now? At night? I’m reading for me. I’m cooking for just myself. I’m going to bed at a time I need rather than waiting up. I’m getting my hair done, nails done, waxing…. for me. Exercising on my schedule. Staying late at work without worrying about others.

I’m trying to concentrate on me. And I’m having a damn hard time. I can’t shake the guilt. The feeling that, ultimately, others are more important.

Perhaps my therapist has something here. I’ve always put other people first. When do I start caring about myself again? Doing things for me? I’ve sort of lost that person. And honestly… I thought I was pretty damn great at one point. I just have to re-find that confidence. It’s lurking about…and at times I see it. I just need to find it at the times when I’m most vulnerable.

I’ve got to put me at the forefront.

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~ by shespeakstruth on January 17, 2013.