The part that’s missing

My alarm clock went off at 7:30 a.m. this morning. I left myself 40 minutes to get ready, before I had to leave for my first Weight Watchers meeting in a year.

It just felt right to be there. My leader remembered me. Checking in was a breeze. Becoming a Lifetime member again…. it’s an exalted status that not many achieve who join WW. I feel like a leader just walking in… and I’m able to HELP people who struggle because I know those everyday struggles well. I still live them.

I went to the gym after the meeting. I joined a group weight lifting class…then went to a stretching class. It felt GOOD. And at this point I felt like the day was just amazing.

I spent 30 minutes sitting in the whirlpool hot tub before going into the steam room. Where I sat. Eyes closed. Taking deep breaths. Letting the eucalyptus-laced steam hit my lungs. Stepping out of the steam room…with the cold air hitting my skin… I clutched the towel tighter to my body… and just smiled.

I went grocery shopping at Whole Foods. I came home to watch one of my favorite TV shows. I took a 2-hour nap. Cleaned the fridge. Made dinner. Breakfast is going for tomorrow. Leftovers are put away for lunch.

This. All of this. The entire day. IS ME.

Every single part of it made me ridiculously happy. And fulfilled. And just like I was doing something RIGHT. As a person. As a woman. As a friend. As a wife.

But there’s something that’s missing. Love.

The hugs that make you melt. The touch that sends sparks through you. The kisses that take your breath away. The heavy breathing, faces inches apart, the needy, can’t-get-enough feeling… The desire.

It’s just not there. And my dreams are making me want more. I really miss having sex in my life. For pleasure’s sake. For sharing it with someone else. For being physical. For being in love. I miss that feeling. And it very nearly makes me want to cry.

Someone will want me some day. In whatever state. For all that I am. And this part won’t feel so empty anymore. But not right now.


~ by shespeakstruth on January 14, 2013.