Hello, from down here (with a rockin’ hangover)

Hi. From way at the end of this long road. The end of the tunnel. Rock bottom. I feel like I’ve gotten there with regards to relationships and certain aspects of my life. But I’m looking at the promising side of things—there’s no where to go but up. And whoever makes it out of this really rocky period with me? Deserves a fucking gold star. Because I’m trying to piss people off I think. I’m trying to wind up alone and become a bitter old hag that drowns in her bad decisions. It’s 8 p.m. on a Saturday Night and I’ve just decided that’s probably not a great idea.

So I’m stopping. Thinking about just me.

And trying to make sense of what happened yesterday.

It had been on my mind all day. It was the elephant in the room. It’s what was making home life so uncomfortable for me. It was waiting for me to do something about it.

The fact that despite all my thinking, and discussing with the psychologist, and brooding over in my mind at night…. The husband and I never talked about it all. Never sat down and said, “I’m thinking of separation.”

I’m not sure what finally clicked. The fact that the holidays were over. That I was getting more miserable with my job. Chicago life. And my own unhappiness. But while at work I decided last night was the night to talk about it all. So we agreed to go to a restaurant and talk.

It would be a neutral zone for both of us. We could go back home afterward and feel safer (sans elephants). More secure knowing that it was now out in the open and that we could think more on what was discussed. Alone. Together.

We went to Chili’s. Not our first option, but it had access to easy parking, we knew it would be one of the few places with no wait on a Friday night, and it was cheap. We sat down and sort of just dithered around. Jumping between silence and comments about our day.

Until I finally just told him that we needed to talk about it. And we did.

The unhappiness.
The chained-down feelings.
The regret and guilt about the abortion.
The dislike of jobs.
The constant feeling of distance when in the same room.
The sex.
The other men.
The fact that we’re still young…and can be happy.
The need to get better for ourselves, not each other.
The freedom we now have (due to choosing abortion) and are wasting (due to anxiety/poor planning).

And the separation.

To my surprise, he agreed to it all. He had already been calculating living expenses. Moving. Dealing with this alone.

I sat there, listening to him. Eyes tearing up. I tried talking to him more about specific worries. That I worried about how he would handle things. How much stuff he would still need to buy that we didn’t have two of. Who would get custody of the cats? How would we tell family and friends? How could we fix it? How long is long enough to wait?

And with each question…regardless of how stupid (I broke down when I asked about the cats…. right in the middle of Chili’s… yep.), I just cried. Blotting makeup with scratchy napkins. Ignoring the waitress checking in on us. Ignoring the looks from the two men in the booth next to us.

We talked.

And we both felt equally awful. That we meant it when we said ‘I do.’ That we both were in love with each other. That things up until this point were merely rocky and not separation worthy.

But something in both of us broke. And we weren’t sure how to fix it. We had always relied on the other person for support. But unfortunately we couldn’t provide that support anymore, since we were both at rock bottom. Very bottom of the barrel.

After we stopped talking, I felt hollow. I still do to some extent. I drank. ALOT. And I drank more today.

And you know what? My problems aren’t solved. Aside from being assured that I’m still attractive (this was a concern of mine. I’ve got fairly low self-esteem), I’m not fulfilled. I don’t want to just randomly go out and sleep with people. But I also don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to do this on my own. I want a friend by my side… someone who won’t just get angry at my stupidness, who will just give up on me because im irritating for a second. Someone who just…cares.

And then I wake up and realize no one understands… (or I feel like they don’t)

And then I realize I need to do this for me. And think of me. And just…. embrace rock bottom.

There really is no where I can go but up.

I just wonder who will be there when I get back to the top?

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~ by shespeakstruth on January 6, 2013.