I’m lost in trying to find myself again

I’ve written this post twice now. And deleted everything I had to say each time. I don’t know what I want to write about. It’s just random snippets of various things floating around in my head. All of it unhappy. So, that’s what I’ll give:

I walked through the door today, to house that doesn’t feel like my home. I didn’t have a place to go to talk to my mom privately on the phone. I didn’t have a kitchen to cook my own food in. I didn’t have a place to be myself. My guard is always up and I’m uncomfortable here. I’m desperately craving a place of my own back in Wyoming. Somewhere where I can pick up the pieces and cry without guilt.

The loneliness doesn’t go away. I have moments when the fog clears and I feel happy. But just as quickly as it comes, it goes away. It’s hard to shake it permenantly when you think you deserve it.

I want him to say he wants me. But what good is that going to do? For someone who is afraid. And for someone who is guarded.

There’s no sex here. No kissing. No hand holding. No touching. I live in an apartment with a roommate that I’m married to. I get dolled up to get ignored. Two guys in a matter of months are turned off physically. Geezus Christ…

It’s always about the public. Saying miscarriage, not abortion. Staying in an unhappy marriage rather than divorce. Ignoring feelings for someone because you’re 1k miles away. You do it because that’s what is expected of you. You do it because it’s easier than the alternative.

Depression is ugly. unshakeable. The fog eventually comes back.

I miss my grandmother. I miss her mind. I miss her recognition. I miss her 15 years ago. She’s the only person who would have actually understood all this…and listened to me. But now I can’t even tell her things like what I’m going through. I have a hard enough time getting her to know my name and not just repeat my mom’s.

Some nights, it’s just hard to stay positive. Tonight is one of those nights that I wish I were back in Wyoming. Back in my room. Back alone.

 

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~ by shespeakstruth on January 3, 2013.