Changes since Oct. 16

I was only pregnant for 8 weeks (Like the word “only” is making this sentence carry less weight or seem less of a big deal… it’s not. Who am I kidding.). But I feel like my body changed in so many ways… I’m still trying to figure out who it is I’m seeing when I look in the mirror. They aren’t huge differences…but I’m sure that someone familiar with all the intricate nuances of my body (like me) would probably be clued in to the changes.

Some of the small things I attribute to being off of birth control (And I should let you know now that a few posts ago I WAS going to start on birth control again. But then decided to wait until after my next period. And now I’m sort of faltering on even that. I don’t really want to go back on hormonal birth control, tbh. And I don’t think I am….but this is another post for a later time.).

WEIGHT: I struggled to lose 30 lb. And then I finally got down to -35 lb. after a lot of private talks with myself about what it meant to me. But once I got off birth control, I managed to lose another 5 lb. And I’ve kept it off. Some of what is making that easy is that I wasn’t actually able to eat anything for the 8 weeks that I was pregnant. No food tends to do that to ya. At one point in the past two months, I got down 10 lb. but it wasn’t for healthy reasons… and I’ve since gained 5. But I’ve been able to eat and maintain that weight and it’s a good feeling. This is exactly the weight that my body finds natural and healthy to be at. It’s a weight that, when I look in the mirror, I’m satisfied with. And I haven’t been satisfied in years…

BODY TEMPERATURE: I feel like I am constantly freezing. Yes, I know it’s 20 degrees on average here in the Windy City, but even when I’m under a heated blanket, I can be cold. Layers don’t tend to help. When I take my temperature (and I’ve had to do it a lot lately), it’s always at the low end of 97 degrees, or the high end of 96. I feel like I need to become a lizard and lay on a heated rock to live some times. My hands are constantly ice..which does make for scaring people when I touch them!

HAIR COLOR and TEXTURE: Yes. It’s still curly. But it’s curlier. And it grew ridiculously fast. And it’s soft. If only it would decide to curl nicely without product. I look like a frizztastic banshee some mornings (you’re welcome for that mental image). I’ve made a determined effort not to dye my hair again, and am noticing even more grays. More pronounced, more straight, more grays. Right in the front of my face.

MY LEGS and STOMACH: These are probably the two areas that I look at and don’t recognize at all. Whose lean legs are those? Gone are any resemblance of cankles. Of cellulite. Of loose skin. I feel like my legs look eons younger. My stomach is flatter than it has been in a while. I can see where abs would be (if I had any). Clothes fit how they should. And, honestly, I finally look how I want to feel inside…

MY BACK, CHEST, ARMS and SHOULDERS: They fit with the rest of my body. But I think this is the area I look at most…because it’s what I can see the most easily in the bathroom mirror. My collar bones are prominent, as are my shoulder blades. I’m not sickly thin or anything…but I’m thin. I never would have described myself as that before. Yes… I still have all the normal “curves” of being a woman… but they’re softer now. They’re what I was born with. They aren’t there from overeating…from not taking care of myself. I almost think I’m too thin when I look at my neck, my side profile, my chest. It’s the area that worries me at times when I throw on a size 4 cardigan and don’t need to adjust it. Am not popping buttons open in front anymore.

SKIN COLOR and TEXTURE: I’m evening out to a milky white porcelain color. For someone who was once riddled with acne, scars, discoloration… I feel like everywhere, all over my body, I’m finally equalizing. All those problems are gone. Albeit a little dry. It’s unreal.

APPETITE: It’s still not there. For the first two months I wasted food like crazy. I HATE that. Now I know that I don’t really snack much. Breakfasts are wasted on me. And lunch is my biggest meal of the day. I felt like it took me two years to learn how to eat on Weight Watchers, and now I need to learn how to eat all over again.

It’s like I’m learning to live with a new me. If only my mental state would match up with my appearance. My god… who the hell is this woman that I described?

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~ by shespeakstruth on January 3, 2013.