It’s our Anniversary

The day we first met in 2004. I was living in Wyoming, finally in some sort of a normal existence since I had graduated high school early. The move from Texas to Wyoming didn’t sit well with me, and my junior year (my only year) at a high school in Wyoming didn’t turn out well for me. I remember being in the counselors office alot, and crying a lot.

I feel like that’s the story of my life right now. Why am I always broken?

I had nearly 4 weeks off for Christmas break, one of the few perks of the local community college. And not that I loved seeing my dad and grandparents in Chicago that much….but it was an opportunity for me to get away from Wyoming and my parents. So I did. For two weeks. I was there a week, mostly hanging out with my best friend.

And a guy who I used to date, who still had a crush on me, asked me out for New Years Day. Why not? Because I wasn’t interested in sex yet (17 years old, never had sex, didn’t want to just throw it away on him either), I offered to go bowling, and to bring my best friend with.

So off to the local bowling alley. We played a few games before another group of our friends came in. I knew most of the handful of guys that walked in….having gone to middle school with them. Since they hadn’t seen me in a long while, they asked to share the next lane with us. And that’s when I met him. My future husband.

He didn’t talk to me at all, pretty much keeping to the guys. But we were introduced. And because I knew the guy at the front counter well, I offered to have him look at future husbands bowling ball when the finger piece broke. That was about all the interaction we had that day. I was on a date. And, to be honest, I didn’t give future husband the time of day. He wasn’t my type.

But later that night, when I was at home, talking with a long-time online love of mine, puttering about my email and playing random games online, I got a message on AOL Instant Messenger (oh AIM. How I miss you).

It was from a friend’s account. Saying it was future husband. Asking if I remembered him?

Erm.. no. sorry. Who the hell was this guy?

Then came the explanation. Who he was. How he saw my name on AIM and assumed it was the same girl he had met that day. Asked what I was doing. Told me he would never forget me because I had such memorable hair (later on, he told me he thought I was good looking the moment he saw me. Short, red curly hair. Thin. Easy on the eyes.)

I described my riveting night at home. Since my best friend had other things to do that night.

And then he asked me if I wanted to go to the movies. Said he’d hang out with me if she was busy. So we made plans to go to the movies the next day.

He didn’t pay. I was surprised (here’s how absolutely naive I was: I had never paid for my own movie ticket until then. I guess I didn’t realize that I had a less than normal dating experience up until then). So we saw The Bourne Supremacy together. It was predictable. We talked the entire movie about what was going to happen next. We had fun.

We left separately. And talked online each night. Two days later we went and saw another movie–this time my pick. Something’s Gotta Give. We talked a little bit, but not as much. I wasn’t comfortable in the seats so I shifted a lot. And saw him shifting a lot. I caught his eye once, and looked away.

By the end of the movie, he had leaned over enough to give me a kiss. Butterflies. I remember a lot of butterflies. We left the movie after it finished. He thought it was dumb. I thought it was good. Albeit a little awkward for a second date movie considering a semi-naked Jack Nicholson.

And then I went back to Wyoming. We talked everyday. Exchanged phone numbers and talked on the phone (I remember an interesting session or two of phone sex. I blush now, but remember doing this with my online love a lot). I went back out during spring break in March because of him. We talked about where he was planning on going to college, since it was his senior year. He hadn’t applied anywhere. He figured the local community college because that’s what people did. I urged him to apply to Wyoming. To move across the country. To go to school with me. He thought about it, and ultimately decided he would. But said it wasn’t for me. He said it was because they had the program he wanted (even today, he doesn’t say it’s for me… even when everyone else asks).

Later that same trip, during spring break, I went over his house to hang out. He was alone. I wear wearing bright red lace underwear. And I lost my virginity. To a really loud headboard, to really awkward movements at first, to a crash of books and other trinkets, to no condom but weeks of birth control already in my system because I anticipated it. To his mom coming home early, when we were getting dressed.

Five years later, I found out he kept the movie stub for the Bourne Supremacy. 6 years later, he found my movie stub that I had kept. Both of them are now framed in our dining room.

Where are these two people? Have I changed that much? It’s 9 years later, and I haven’t even said Happy Anniversary to him. I’m capable of so much more… and I know I’m better than this in relationships. Why don’t I want to give him my all?


~ by shespeakstruth on January 1, 2013.