Updates on Mind vs Heart

I haven’t mentioned much of anything since snapping out of my word coma about the love/sexual aspects of what I’m going through. Let’s say there isn’t much to tell in this department.

At my most recent doctor’s appointment, my nurse asked me all the familiar routine questions. “How tall are you?” “Do you smoke?” “Why are you here?” and then hit me with the BIG one: “When was the first day of your last menstrual cycle?”

October 12.

I’ve been bleeding for four weeks straight. But my answer is, and will be for the next 2-6 weeks… October 12. The last time I had sex was October 16. When I got pregnant. It’s almost a tad ironic that I can remember all these dates… all the logistics and definitive things. But I can’t remember a single thing about what makes me happy atm. It’s sad.

So when I answered the nurse, she looked at me for a split second, then turned back to the monitor. No questions asked. Exactly as it should be if she had read my file before. I hope she had. I’m telling myself she had. When my check-up with the doc was complete, she asked me about my birth control options. What would I go back on? When was I comfortable going back on it?

I guess I hadn’t thought that far ahead. I didn’t get to that part in processing my current situation. What was next for me? It just made sense to say that I’d go back on the pill. Since it worked for me for 8 years…. and only my stupidity and refusal to stay on it got me pregnant. Yes… I’d just go back.

And then I’d try to forget everything else about why I went off it in the first place. The mood swings. The body aches. The low sexual desire. Who cares? Because as long as I don’t get pregnant again, and I don’t have to deal with what I’ve just been through again…. the choice is fine. All my decision is based off of is not getting pregnant again.

And then I remember that abstinence is the best way to not get pregnant. What if I just…don’t have sex with my husband? We haven’t had sex since October 16 anyway. What would it do if we just…didn’t go at it any more? I already feel as far apart from him as I possibly could. Would this make things easier to just end it?

Things in the relationship department are constantly fluctuating. My marriage is not at all what it should be. Or what I want it to be. Honestly, I almost feel as if I’ve given up. I’m hoping that the therapy will help put into perspective what I should do next to try to fix things… or at the very least tell me when I can stop putting effort into it. If I’m honest with myself, the moment I got pregnant, I stopped putting effort into it. I just… am not where I want to be. At all.

While I was in Wyoming, I managed to tick off IT Guy. Again. I wanted his friendship at a time when walls felt like they were crumbling. Perhaps I wanted something more from him… sex, again, was the farthest thing from my mind. Rest assured. But friendliness would have been appreciated. Something I will never understand from him is how he’s always “busy.” When a friend is in crisis mode, on my end, my calendar opens up. I try to help…to be there… to do what I can because he/she needs me. But with him, he avoided any and all contact with me. Plans were unbreakable. Which resulted in me saying a few choice things I shouldn’t have… and then severing some abilities to trust on both our ends.

He remains “busy”… so much so that his texts are far and few between… his emails are nonexistent, and I fear that I ruined a friendship that I once relied on. But, again, if I’m being honest, I should say that it might be too hard to turn back to friendship with him. Would I be able to support him when he finally decides to get with the other girl? (The one that is closer in age, in location and with far less baggage than I). Of course I’d be happy for him. A thousand blessings would be passed onto him. But I would feel something. Another little hairline fracture. A small cut. Knowing that a great guy got lost from me not being able to keep it together and figure my shit out.

I’ve deleted this next sentence a million times… because I’m trying to convey what he said with what I understood…and they clash. He DOESN’T sleep with people he doesn’t like. But he doesn’t care for me in THAT way. He doesn’t want to be with me, and he can’t see a future for us ever. I’ve got that. I’ve tried to pick back up the friendship with this all in mind. That, to him, this was an accident that he wants to erase. All the while, me seeing this, trying to accept it, and trying really hard to not think about the “What ifs..” Like.. “What if he changed his mind and wanted me back…” “What if he wanted the sexual side of things back?” “What if he wanted me for something more than just a friend, or fuck buddy?” “What if he actually developed…FEELINGS?”

There would be no way to not go back. I care. Definitely in a NSFW-kind of way. But also in a way that would make me leave my husband. To give up things for him. Because he’s worth it. So I’m steeling myself up, and building up this wall so that I can still be friends. Because it’s important to me. But how can I even stay friends with someone who doesn’t want to be friends with me?  (*repeat this to self each time you think of him* Did I mention I’ve had three dreams about him? They aren’t any better…).

Then there’s the guy at work. The one who took to me immediately when I started working here. Who has never made it awkward to have a friendship. Who everyone says I broke out of his shell. Who I made more lively, and caring, and generous. He’s been with me through this whole ordeal… and now I think he actually cares. But honestly, I feel zero. I love his friendship. But there’s no sexual anything with regards to him. Not a shred of…anything on my end. Which is why I HATE to let things with IT Guy just slide by. When the guy at work talks to me, I see the hurt. Sometimes I see the hope he has. I can’t stay like this… I asked the IT Guy this weekend if casual sex was a solution to intimacy. He said it’s just a solution to sex…. nothing more. I could get casual sex fairly easily… but I don’t think it would solve what I need. Casual sex with the guy at work? Yeah it could happen..but true it would be just casual sex. With IT Guy? I’m kidding myself if I said that.

No… I wouldn’t be able to have casual sex with the IT Guy. And I couldn’t have it with the guy at work. Maybe I’m not cut out for this whole thing. I just need to be alone. Move back home….be alone. And I need to repeat, each time the IT Guy doesn’t respond to a text, ignores me via email or chat… Who the hell wants to be with someone who doesn’t want you back?

Not me. I’m worth a lot more. I just have to start believing it again.

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~ by shespeakstruth on December 31, 2012.