Updates from ParaGard IUD Series: Pregnancy

I’ve finally found a voice and decided to come back to write about it a bit. About the pregnancy, about my choices, and just about where I am in life. This may span the next few posts but at least it’s getting out there. I think it might help someone in the future and, possibly, help me right now.

Like my last post said…I tested positive for pregnancy. I lived each day with a ridiculous amount of stress. I cried all the time. I fought with my husband. I started feeling like I was going through a quarter life crisis (I’m still very much in this part at least).  I disabled my Facebook and stopped blogging so that I could focus on me. I tend to share too much too soon sometimes, and this was a way to keep me safe from me.

But I think I’m ok to start sharing certain things… and to start figuring out what’s going on in my life.

I decided, ultimately, that I didn’t want to continue on with this pregnancy. At this point in my life, yes I could have made enough changes to keep this baby. But the baby deserves as much a mother as a father…and if anything, I was shown that there are far deeper problems in my marriage than I realized before. If I would have kept this pregnancy, then I would have been forever tied to my husband…. and it broke me inside. I finally realized that my infidelity in 2007, my cold feet before the marriage, my mood swings, and my most recent infidelity this year…. that my husband is not my forever.

Maybe I don’t have a forever. Maybe I’m just one of those people that just serves as a stepping stone for others. Right now, I know a few clear things that came from this pregnancy: 1) I want to be a mother. Some day. When I find someone that’s worth it. 2) I will always regret my decision to end this pregnancy. 3) I will always feel like I failed in some way, but I’ll be able to look back on this some day. I’ll learn from it.

So my next post will be about how I ended it. What it was like to go into the doctor’s office that day…. how long I was out of work…. how I dealt with the two days… and then the following problems I had.

I’m still not complete…. but I’m trying to get there. Bear with me.

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~ by shespeakstruth on December 31, 2012.