Decision-Making 101: The Pills

My brain is still a little fuzzy with all the details of what happened to my body in the 8 weeks that I was fully pregnant (I was neary 8 weeks to the day that I took the Plan B (Misoprostol) pills). But I do know that I’ll never forget what I can remember.

I woke up every single day with a dull ache in my chest. My breasts were sore, and grew a full size larger. My skin cleared up and my hair started to get softer. Because I hadn’t decided what I was going to do about the baby at this point, I was taking pre-natal vitamins. I stopped drinking. I didn’t take any medications of any sort (no tylenol, ibuprofen, antiacids, etc.). I tried to get at least 8 hours of sleep at night…. I was trying to be the best that I could be… just in case.

I was only able to take the pills at my doc’s office up until 8 weeks. And when I talked to her at 6 weeks, I still had no idea what I was going to do. I was hoping that with time, something would show itself to me. And unfortunately, I got to two-days before the 8 week point and was still freaking out. Practically hyperventilating.

I sat in the doctor’s waiting room with my husband, the day I got the first set of pills. And I was watching. A woman came in nearly 9 months pregnant. She was huge….rubbing her belly. She smiled when she was called in for her check-up. A husband and wife came in with a covered carrier, a gurgling noise just barely audible from underneath it. She looked like she was mere days, maybe weeks from having just given birth.

And there I was…. sitting there with all of them… all of them deciding to bring life into the world. Except me. I didn’t want the baby. But I felt absolutely awful. Regardless of there being free-choice in America… I felt like my choice was already decided for me. The pressure of having a baby was nearly too much. I walked into the back room, spoke with the doctor once more, and took the set of four pills she gave me.

These first pills would essentially detach the embryo from my uterus. And it would sit there, until I took the next set of pills that would flush it out of my body.

My husband was there in the room. When she did the ultrasound. I didn’t look, but she verified that I was pregnant. It was a single embryo. And I was on track to get the procedure done in her office.

She asked me a series of questions and then handed me the cup of water. And the mifepristone pills. I took them one at a time. Under her supervision. Shaking… while I muttered a silent apology.

She left the room after I was done so I could get dressed. My husband looked at me, teary-eyed. Once I was dressed, I noticed the ultrasound picture on the counter by the computer. A picture of the baby that I was getting prepared to get rid of….

I held the picture of the embryo in my hand a second and then left the room with heavy shoulders.

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~ by shespeakstruth on December 31, 2012.