Decision-Making 101: The Aftermath

Post 1—Decision-Making 101: The Pills
Post 2—Decision-Making 101: The Other Pills
Post 3—Decision-Making 101: The 2-Week Check-up
Post 4—Decision-Making 101: The D&C

I saw my doc yesterday for my post-D&C 2-week check-up. I’ve been bleeding for four weeks now and I’m exhausted. 24/7. I can’t sleep. I’m stressed nearly 24/7. But the good news is that my uterus is returning to normal size. The bleeding is starting to stop. And I will take my first birth control pill tonight.

The downside to this all…. is that I’m miserable.

Sometimes, when I’m left alone, I just start crying. I’m constantly feeling this immense guilt and am unsure. About everything. I went from a woman who was confident and happy (generally, just not with her marriage) to an insecure, depressed girl who feels sorry for herself the majority of the time. I’m a shell of who I once was…. and I’m having a really hard time getting a grip on life.

I take 2-3 showers a day just so that I can get warm, be alone, and cry in peace. My husband, thankfully, saw me start to tear up when I opened my laptop tonight and retreated to a different room. I’m not sure whether he’s trying to give me space to cry alone… or whether he just needs his own space. Either way, I’m grateful to be alone… and to not be judged or feel bad for crying.

My heart feels absolutely shattered. And I’m trying to be proactive about.

My husband was worried about my safety one day last week…when all I could do was cry on the couch… I didn’t pick myself up off it all day. I talked about how I hated myself and felt like a terrible person. How I didn’t deserve to live because I essentially ended a life that I didn’t want to take responsibility for. He made me promise to get help… and I agreed.

I saw a psychologist on Friday. It was more of an interview… she wanted to see 1) what was wrong, if anything, with me, and 2) if there was something wrong, if she would be the right person for me to see. It was an hour-long session. She was really nice.

To be honest, I teared up before I got into her office. I was a mess in the waiting room. I really need help.

In order to get things started, she asked a series of questions to get me talking. Then delved deeper. About my abortion (she’s the first person aside from less than a handful of friends, my husband and my mom who I’ve admitted the word ABORTION to…. I’ve told others that it was a miscarriage). Then about my marriage. Then about my job. About my family. About my location.

I told her my theory about it being a quarter-life crisis. And to my amazement she agreed.

She wants to see me on a weekly basis until I can get my footing. Or at least, until I can handle this on my own again.

My next appointment is June 11 because she didn’t have anything sooner. But I’m trying to work things out with my work so that I can miss a few hours each week. I’ll need to make up the time somehow… but I’m glad I went to see her. I figure if just writing these past few blog posts have made me a teary mess, with my t-shirt as a Kleenex… then I just need to do what I can do to get better. I realize I’ve been a crappy friend. A half wife. A failing coworker. I just need to make sure I’m better…and a complete person first and foremost. I’m going to start caring about me from now on.

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~ by shespeakstruth on December 31, 2012.