Confusing.

Am I missing something?

How can you go from

Years of flirting.

Hugging.

Talking.

Sex.

To a complete standstill? How can you erase years of feelings and just forget it all to remain friends?

Yeah. I felt like we took a step forward. At his house. On his couch. He stole a kiss. His lips met mine first. Then twice. He felt just as into it as me. He felt like he wanted it just as much as me. Or did I make up how his body pressed up against mine? How he took off my shirt. And ran his hands along my breasts?

His lips found mine more than once. He said that he had a bedroom. We’d be more comfortable.

He got naked just as fast as I did. And when he kissed me? When I took his hands and put them on me? When I talked to him in a hushed whisper? He was the most hot shade of nervous I’ve seen.

He hugged me after. He kissed my neck. I kissed his forehead. He’s exactly what I wanted… and didn’t realize for years. That all those things I had been feeling were right and I was just ignoring them.

On the way home, after fixing my bed head and reapplying makeup, he pulled over the car. He smiled. He LOOKED happy…right before he leaned over to kiss me. On his own free will.

For weeks after, the flirting continued. Half-naked and full-naked pictures continued. He actually texted back. Emailed. He initiated contact.

My god. He was fucking perfect. He cared. He made me happy. I made him obviously happy.

So when he just ended it? I didn’t understand. And I still don’t understand.

Why would you stop something that makes you so happy? Why would he tell me he wasn’t? That he cared… but not that way. That he had to get serious. That he needed someone that wasn’t me.

God. Is this what I feel like to be used? I felt like someone broke up with me… with no reason. I want this feeling…everyday. I want to wake up and want him every day. I want to care about him… take care of him…. make him happy every single day.

But it’s not what he wanted. What the fuck did I miss? How did I fall so hard and he’s able to pull away? I’m…. not sure I trust him. Years of emotions with him came to a grinding halt and I’m supposed to just be friends. I don’t want to be friends with him.

Toyed with. Lied to. It’s just some sort of game to him… and I feel like he just blamed me for it all happening. He avoids me when I’m in town. Doesn’t answer texts even know I know he’s capable.

He doesn’t want me. Perhaps it’s because he’s already given himself to someone else. Why want someone who doesn’t want you? Repeat this to myself… he doesn’t want you. Get over it.

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~ by shespeakstruth on December 1, 2012.