On Motherhood

There are some women who, the moment they are near children, have their natural instincts kick on without a second thought. They pick up the child, make him/her laugh, ask the appropriate questions, and are the cool honorary aunties.

Then there’s me. I can’t even remember the last time I picked up a child. I can’t remember if I’ve ever felt normal around one….conversing with one… or just in general becoming that cool honorary auntie.

That may never happen.

In my family, the generations are spread apart, and no one procreates. But people pass away. A wedding is considered a once-in-a-decade event—a huge cause for celebration. A funeral? Another form of family reunion. But babies…they just never happen.

Friends are just now beginning to have babies, and I’m happy to buy things for them. To share in their joy of having one.

But at the end of the day? I’m secretly relieved and also scared that I don’t have one. I think I’d grow into being a good mother. And that somewhere, buried deep down inside me, I have those same natural instincts, and they’ll kick in someday.

But for now…. I’m enjoying sleeping in without worrying about another person. I’m enjoying having sex at any time of the day on any surface I want. I’m enjoying being able to travel without making special arrangements. I’m enjoying the perks of being older without having a kid attached to my side.

I just wonder if this will all change. Will I wake up some day and find that I want one? Because I can’t even see it in the horizon…

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~ by shespeakstruth on November 11, 2012.