Tonight…

I don’t know what happened. But this feeling that I’m feeling–disappointment, indifference, uncertainty–is not new.

I stared at my husband, sitting in a chair across from me, and I wanted him. Hell, maybe I didn’t even want HIM. Maybe I just wanted to be selfish and have someone want ME. So I moved the laptop from his lap and sat on him, legs straddling his, face toward him. But rather than have him caress and touch, he waited for me to make the first move. Disappointment lingered.

Was I wrong in just wanting him to be forceful? To grab me with some pent up passion? To want me as bad as I wanted someone?

Instead, he kissed hesitantly at my move. I removed my shirt, he pushed down my bra. But that’s where it stopped. Everything just….stopped. He spent too long lingering around my breasts. Paying them more attention than he was paying me. Kisses turned into just awkward arm caresses. His face still buried below my neck.

Was it bad breath? Did I kiss horribly? Did he just not want his face next to mine? What was I doing wrong?

Each time I kiss, I get swept away. It’s so unnervingly personal. The sounds, the smells, the sights… never can you be on the same level with someone in such a personal space. You share what they see. Hell, you’re all they can see in that one moment. And a lot can be said from kissing…. it’s my biggest turn on and the easiest way to reach me on a sensual level. Surely 9 years of kisses and one marriage would have clued him in on that. Kissing is a big deal to me…

If it ever happened at least.

I just looked at him. Trying to get him to want to kiss me. Trying to get him to pay attention to something other than those familiar two objects… and then I got mad. I sat back and just stared at him. This wasn’t the first time this had happened between us. I’ve heard the excuses.

“I can’t ever breathe.”
“I don’t want you on me…”
“It’s too much.”

But too often, sex starts with me not turned on, not engaged enough to enjoy it…and often time ends with me as an unsatisfied wife. How to fix it? Where to even begin? Our marriage won’t get very far if we can’t begin to fix something as primal and natural as sex.

So there it ended. Him sighing his same old familiar annoyance. Me, throwing my shirt back on and burying myself in flour, sugar and mixing bowls in the kitchen. Only two sentences said for the rest of the night.

“I made you food if you want it.” (he didn’t)
and
“Are you coming to bed sometime soon?” (I wasn’t)

Why is it that I can spend 9 years with a man. Think I know him inside and out. But when it comes to sex? I can barely speak a word without getting angry, frustrated that something so amazing has become an instant and chaotic chore?

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~ by shespeakstruth on October 22, 2012.